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You, College Student, Are a Great Disappointment to Your Mother and I

Before I get into the point of this post, I want to say three things.

1. I’d like to imagine that if I’m talking about you in this article, you know who you are. But the truth is, if I am talking about you, you’re probably too fucking stupid to figure it out. My advice: 1. Learn to read. 2. Read this article carefully. 3. Weigh what I’ve mentioned with your own habits. 4. If your habits match with what I’ve talked about, I’m talking about you, and you’re a fucktard and should quit college while you still have the money.

2. I love Ursinus College so far. I have yet to have a single professor I didn’t like, or a course that I didn’t find rewarding and educational. Every professor I’ve had has been an expert in their area, very knowledgeable and engaged in the material, and very personable and accommodating. They’ve all been great. Very inspiring people. And all the courses have contained really interesting material. The only remaining problem has been my peers, which is the subject of this article.

3. There’s a difference between being lazy and being a fucktard. Look, I’m lazy. I procrastinate. I’ve spent the last three or four days holed up in my room playing Skyrim when I could have been writing another blog post, working on a story idea, practicing Ninjutsu, applying to more jobs, or any number of other productive things. I leave my work to the last minute. I’m fairly messy and disorganized. I don’t read the books the class reads in my English classes. Although not advisable, none of this is what I’m going to be talking about. My problem is with the people who either straight up don’t care, or just have room temperature IQ’s. You shouldn’t be wasting your parents money, your time, your professor’s time, and especially not my time being in college, if you are one of these people.

So, now let’s get to the point.

If this is you, GTFO college

I’ve taken a few discussion classes since I’ve gotten to college, and although I’ve only had three semesters (I pray every night it gets better, but I don’t hold much hope) I’ve started to notice a trend. There is always a good portion of the class that has no clue how to argue, and no clue how to write an essay.

I’m continually amazed and disappointed that anyone at the college level who doesn’t know how to write a five page essay got accepted to any college at all. Don’t you have to write essays for your applications everywhere? Were your application essays as shitty as the ones I end up reading in peer review sessions?

*Takes deep breath* To be fair, I’m certainly not talking about everyone. I have met quite a few people in my classes who are fucking brilliant. Incredibly rational insightful thinkers who know how to express themselves and contribute interesting points to class discussion. And many of these same people write beautiful essays that blow anything I’ve ever written clear out of the water and make it look like kindergarden scribblings on a sheet of construction paper. And again, to be fair, I know this article is going to sound arrogant, that’s fine, consider me arrogant. I’m not that smart of a guy. But I try. No, I don’t do much of the assigned reading for my classes, but when I don’t I keep my mouth shut until I have a vague idea of what I want to say. And I may wait until late in the game, but I put some work into my essays. And I think before I just start fucking punching keys on the keyboard like a chimpanzee on crack (maybe a hangover is more accurate, I wouldn’t know).

But look, maybe I’d take comfort in saying my sampling size of three semesters is too small to make any kind of statement about the kind of people that get let into Ursinus. BUT, I also have a few friends who are writing fellows, and the shit that they’ve told me is just as bad if not worse than the stuff I’ve seen in essays. If you don’t know how to write an argumentative essay by freshman year of college, you don’t belong there. End of story. Sorry. Game over.

And as I said earlier, there’s a clear difference between being inept and being lazy. If you only have two pages of your six page essay on peer review day, no big deal bro, I’m right there with you. But if those two pages look like they were shit out by a lemur, get the fuck out. One of my personal favorites is when people try to get closer to the page minimum by making their title really fucking big. It usually looks something like this:

No one is impressed by your ability to set the font size to twenty four and double space your name and the date.

I used to do shit like that too. When I was in third grade. Seriously. If you can’t come up with enough to say to fill five pages, you shouldn’t be taking the course, because clearly there is literally nothing going on inside your head.

Seriously, here’s an idea for you. If your idea of college is staying up drinking and partying and then playing sports, DO THAT. A year at Ursinus is exorbitantly expensive. Save yourself a few thousand dollars and instead of paying tuition, get a bunch of your buddies, and by an apartment somewhere with a front lawn. Drink every single night until you black out and throw up all over yourself. Play sports in the morning. The best part? YOU WON’T HAVE TO GO TO CLASSES. 

Okay just kidding, that isn’t really the best part. The real best part is that I WON’T HAVE ANY CLASSES WITH YOU AND I WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CATCHING STUPID. 

In all seriousness though, college isn’t for everybody. It doesn’t need to be a social norm. Save the money and invest it and get a few jobs and be content with your high school diploma (which you probably shouldn’t have earned either cough cough).

All in all, literally my only complaint about my college so far is the number of people they accept. Most of you shouldn’t have gotten accepted, and if the college was more selective about who it let in, it would probably have the reputation it deserves.


About forthesakeofdebate

I enjoy intellectual discussion and learning, metal music, martial arts, and blades. Pretty soon I'll be your favorite misanthrope.

4 responses to “You, College Student, Are a Great Disappointment to Your Mother and I

  1. Roger Davis ⋅

    Maybe you should have tried harder in high school to go to a better university where there definitely won’t be any fucktards, instead of complaining that the university that accepted you and that you chose to attend isn’t selective enough.

    • I think you’re totally missing the point here bro. Yeah, no shit, I should have tried harder and actually applied places I cared about and actually put effort into the application process instead of letting my college advisor pick which schools I was applying to. But I didn’t. That’s not the point of this article.

      The point is, if you don’t want to learn/suck too hard to learn in college, don’t waste my time, or the professor’s. Would you like to try to argue that point, or thrill us with some more ad hominem?

  2. I haven’t met as many people like that as perhaps you have, but I do encounter it more often than will let me pass it up as simple probability. I agree wholeheartedly: if you’d rather not do work, or if you simply can’t, then don’t. You’d be better off in almost every sense. This is simple logic, but given simple logic is one of the things many people seem to have a problem with…

    I don’t really have anything else to say, other than nice work.

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