You, College Student, Are a Great Disappointment to Your Mother and I

Before I get into the point of this post, I want to say three things.

1. I’d like to imagine that if I’m talking about you in this article, you know who you are. But the truth is, if I am talking about you, you’re probably too fucking stupid to figure it out. My advice: 1. Learn to read. 2. Read this article carefully. 3. Weigh what I’ve mentioned with your own habits. 4. If your habits match with what I’ve talked about, I’m talking about you, and you’re a fucktard and should quit college while you still have the money.

2. I love Ursinus College so far. I have yet to have a single professor I didn’t like, or a course that I didn’t find rewarding and educational. Every professor I’ve had has been an expert in their area, very knowledgeable and engaged in the material, and very personable and accommodating. They’ve all been great. Very inspiring people. And all the courses have contained really interesting material. The only remaining problem has been my peers, which is the subject of this article.

3. There’s a difference between being lazy and being a fucktard. Look, I’m lazy. I procrastinate. I’ve spent the last three or four days holed up in my room playing Skyrim when I could have been writing another blog post, working on a story idea, practicing Ninjutsu, applying to more jobs, or any number of other productive things. I leave my work to the last minute. I’m fairly messy and disorganized. I don’t read the books the class reads in my English classes. Although not advisable, none of this is what I’m going to be talking about. My problem is with the people who either straight up don’t care, or just have room temperature IQ’s. You shouldn’t be wasting your parents money, your time, your professor’s time, and especially not my time being in college, if you are one of these people.

So, now let’s get to the point.

If this is you, GTFO college

I’ve taken a few discussion classes since I’ve gotten to college, and although I’ve only had three semesters (I pray every night it gets better, but I don’t hold much hope) I’ve started to notice a trend. There is always a good portion of the class that has no clue how to argue, and no clue how to write an essay.

I’m continually amazed and disappointed that anyone at the college level who doesn’t know how to write a five page essay got accepted to any college at all. Don’t you have to write essays for your applications everywhere? Were your application essays as shitty as the ones I end up reading in peer review sessions?

*Takes deep breath* To be fair, I’m certainly not talking about everyone. I have met quite a few people in my classes who are fucking brilliant. Incredibly rational insightful thinkers who know how to express themselves and contribute interesting points to class discussion. And many of these same people write beautiful essays that blow anything I’ve ever written clear out of the water and make it look like kindergarden scribblings on a sheet of construction paper. And again, to be fair, I know this article is going to sound arrogant, that’s fine, consider me arrogant. I’m not that smart of a guy. But I try. No, I don’t do much of the assigned reading for my classes, but when I don’t I keep my mouth shut until I have a vague idea of what I want to say. And I may wait until late in the game, but I put some work into my essays. And I think before I just start fucking punching keys on the keyboard like a chimpanzee on crack (maybe a hangover is more accurate, I wouldn’t know).

But look, maybe I’d take comfort in saying my sampling size of three semesters is too small to make any kind of statement about the kind of people that get let into Ursinus. BUT, I also have a few friends who are writing fellows, and the shit that they’ve told me is just as bad if not worse than the stuff I’ve seen in essays. If you don’t know how to write an argumentative essay by freshman year of college, you don’t belong there. End of story. Sorry. Game over.

And as I said earlier, there’s a clear difference between being inept and being lazy. If you only have two pages of your six page essay on peer review day, no big deal bro, I’m right there with you. But if those two pages look like they were shit out by a lemur, get the fuck out. One of my personal favorites is when people try to get closer to the page minimum by making their title really fucking big. It usually looks something like this:

No one is impressed by your ability to set the font size to twenty four and double space your name and the date.

I used to do shit like that too. When I was in third grade. Seriously. If you can’t come up with enough to say to fill five pages, you shouldn’t be taking the course, because clearly there is literally nothing going on inside your head.

Seriously, here’s an idea for you. If your idea of college is staying up drinking and partying and then playing sports, DO THAT. A year at Ursinus is exorbitantly expensive. Save yourself a few thousand dollars and instead of paying tuition, get a bunch of your buddies, and by an apartment somewhere with a front lawn. Drink every single night until you black out and throw up all over yourself. Play sports in the morning. The best part? YOU WON’T HAVE TO GO TO CLASSES. 

Okay just kidding, that isn’t really the best part. The real best part is that I WON’T HAVE ANY CLASSES WITH YOU AND I WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CATCHING STUPID. 

In all seriousness though, college isn’t for everybody. It doesn’t need to be a social norm. Save the money and invest it and get a few jobs and be content with your high school diploma (which you probably shouldn’t have earned either cough cough).

All in all, literally my only complaint about my college so far is the number of people they accept. Most of you shouldn’t have gotten accepted, and if the college was more selective about who it let in, it would probably have the reputation it deserves.

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Talking about X-Mas Consumerism? Too Mainstream

Far too mainstream

Well, I figure it makes sense to be topical since it’s “that time of year“. Look, we could certainly talk about how this holiday is a really thinly disguised ploy to get us all to go out and spend and consume like the sad little locusts we are, but other people have been there and done that. It’s about as commonplace to associate christmas with horrid consumerism as it is to associate it with fat bearded ancient men in red jumpsuits. The argument would basically run something like this. I ask you “What is the point in spending so much money on christmas presents?” and you try to explain to me that “The presents are an expression of affection, you get people gifts because you love them.” And most of the audience (because during our debates we have an audience) goes bawwww how cute and sweet and sentimental. This is about the point where I want you to think about two things. 1. Do you really think that you need to express your love (especially for your family) in the form of an expensive gift? Do they not know that you care about them if you give them a big ol’ hug and say merry christmas (no I didn’t get you anything, be happy with this hug)? Seriously. Putting aside how awkward it would make you feel (like that time you totally forgot your aunt was coming for christmas, and she got you that really cool whateveritwas, and you didn’t get her anything) would it really make that big of a difference if *dramatic music* WE DIDN’T GIVE GIFTS FOR THE HOLIDAY??!?!?!!?111ONEONE

I’m pretty sure that you’re going to agree with me, people don’t need to receive gifts to know that you care about them. In the off chance that you say “No, everyone would think that I hate them if I didn’t get them gifts.” or even better “I would hate everyone if they didn’t get me gifts.” If you answered with the latter, rather than try to argue with you, I think it’d be best if you quit the internet. But, if you’re seriously under the impression that gifts are THAT important, let’s think about it for a minute. If people need gifts that badly, why do they JUST need them on christmas? Why don’t you need to get them a gift every two months? Perhaps the answer is because social convention tells you to. Is that ever a good reason to do something? I seriously don’t think so. Maybe it’s easier to have it once a year so that no one forgets to get their friends/loved ones their annual present so they don’t decide they don’t like you anymore. If this was your response, clearly you haven’t started your shopping yet, because if you’ve tried to go to the mall in the last few days, you know how lucky you are to be reading this (for the record that should read “old drivers”). The only benefit from making everyone search desperately for christmas presents at the same time every year is that it makes finding gifts safely much more challenging. There’s not much reason behind it. I guess my point is, why do we feel compelled to follow the standing convention of getting each other presents? Is it really necessary? I mean sure, you can take a “Herp most people can’t even afford to feed themselves, why bother with gifts” argument, but I don’t think it needs to be taken that far to make sense.

This is the result of your need to express your love

An entirely separate issue, is religion’s relation to the holiday. Some of you may be re-reading that previous sentence wondering “Religion? Christmas? I don’t get it.” Believe it or not, some people seem to think that christmas is a christian holiday. Where Santa fits into the already crowded “monotheistic” grouping between baby hesoos’s birth and the cosmic omnipotent father is anybody’s guess. Probably has something to do with those wonderful peaceful christians “adopting” pagan traditions and integrating them into their own.

Anywho, when I was out today risking my life at the mall, I saw one of those “Keep the Christ in Christmas” bumper stickers. Of course I really wanted to do something silly and immature like scrawl “MERRY X-MAS” all over the person’s car, but it also made me think. WHY should christ be kept in the holiday? Is he still in the holiday at all? I mean honestly, is there much religious association with the holiday at all anymore? For those of us that don’t go to church, yeah, there’s the occasional nativity scene outside of a few houses, which happens to feature a bunch of people and animals standing around a wooden crib or something for whatever reason, which I THINK is supposed to have a religious connection, but it certainly isn’t that overt. Let’s face it, Christmas has nothing to do with Christ, it hasn’t for years, X-mas or not. The holiday is an opportunity to worship Mr. Fat Cat up there, your new Corporate God. If you’re not disgusted by that prospect, you should get that checked out. It’s one thing if you disagree with me, but if you’re okay with the worship of a corporate god, let’s go back to the an hero plan.

So,  ultimately, my questions remain: 1. Why are presents necessary?

2. Don’t they cause more harm (and waste) than good?

3. Why do we/Should we still bother with them?

My answer to #3 is no, but you’ve probably already gathered that. Look, I’m not saying presents are evil and should be destroyed. I’m just saying that spending tons of money to get gifts for your great aunt gertrude and every other member of your family just seems kind of silly and unnecessary. They’ll still love you if you don’t get them new ipads. And if they don’t, there’s something wrong with them.

And as always, I look forward to your comments, questions, suggestions, rude comments, insults, poorly formed arguments, and silence because you didn’t bother reading any of this post because it isn’t funny or interesting.

Explanations: You probably need one

You, only with less lightening, and less omnipresence and omnipotence

So, here we are then. Or here you are then. I mean this post will probably be sitting here for a few months before anyone sees it, so really I should be welcoming you.

I figured for the first post to this sad, sad attempt at a blog, I should probably try to explain the purpose of this silly thing, and highlight my goals for posting, in the off chance that anyone gives a fuck.

So let’s get down to business. Here’s the first goal:

1. I aim to make you laugh

“-_- good fucking luck” you might be thinking, “You certainly haven’t done it yet, I don’t think you’re funny, and you should pretty much go die in a hole.” While all that may be true, I’m still going to make a pathetic attempt at including the occasional bit of dry humor in here. Yes, I know, everywhere else on the internet tries to make you laugh too, and 90% of the web is funnier than I am. But look, I might as well try anyway, otherwise no one would ever show back up after reading this ridiculous thing. But, what I’m hoping makes this blog different from most others, is the following second goal.

2. I aim to make you think.

” 0_0 le gasp!” you may be thinking, “I don’t want to think! I’ve come to the internet for kittens, stupid youtube videos, mindless facebook scrolling, and teh pron!” Well tough shit. Do I do all the same things with the internet? Of course, I’m well aware of my hypocrisy thank you. But as far as I’m concerned, a little teensy weensy bit of intellectual activity every once in a while might not be so bad, yeah?

So what I’m hoping to do, is present interesting social issues from various perspectives to make you think about what you believe and why you believe it. Do I give a fuck if you agree with my opinion? No. Do I give a fuck if you hate my guts and think I’ll burn in eternal hellfire for what I believe? No. What I do care about, is making people ACTUALLY THINK about why they believe what they do. I don’t care if I change your opinions, I just want you to examine the way things are in our world today, and why you’re okay with the way they are or why you aren’t.

I may not even present opinions that are my own. If I hear an interesting argument from some other source, I may go ahead and try to defend the point to see if anyone else can argue against it. I want you to comment and leave your thoughts and tell me why I’m (not really necessarily me, but the argument presented) is totally off base.

So yeah, that’s about it. Sorry this one wasn’t terribly funny, maybe there exists a possibility that sometime in the future (assuming this stupid blog lasts more than a few weeks) one of these posts will actually be funny.

By the way, obviously feel free to leave comments, questions, suggestions on topics or other content, arguments, rude comments, stupid comments, ad hominem attacks, and herps so hard you derp.